Marriage is said to be a once-in-a-lifetime event. It is not easy for two people from different backgrounds to meet and form a family. Even between two people born and raised in the same country, there are many differences to overcome. When it comes to international marriage, there are more differences than similarities. There are many problems to solve between international marriage. One of them will be which country you would live in together. It's not entirely up to the couple to establish a family and raise the children but also requires help from society and the community. So it needs lots of consideration to make a decision which country the couple settles in. Het Ma:dang met two women living in Korea and the Netherlands with their spouses and listened to their stories.

1. Please introduce yourself!

︎ Anonymous
︎︎︎ Hello. I’m from Japan and have been living in Korea for 15 years. I’m living with my husband and my children.

︎ Eunjoo
︎︎︎ My name is Eunjoo, and I’m 40 years old. I’m still keeping Korean nationality, and I’ve been living in the Netherlands for 14 years now. I’ve never imagined myself living abroad, but I’ve met a (still) adorable Dutch guy and settled here. Next to my two children, who still need my care, I am becoming a little more mother each day.

Photo by Eunjoo


2. How did you come to live in Korea or the Netherlands?

︎ Anonymous
︎︎︎I’ve met my Korean husband and got married, settled in Korea since then.

︎ Eunjoo
︎︎︎It is the result of falling in love with a Dutch guy I met on a business trip to Italy. We started as friends, then fell in love, and finally got married. By the time we got married, he was still a college student, so there was no other option than for me to be in the Netherlands. Also, when I imagined our future together, I thought it would be easier for us to start our life together by altering my situation.


3. How long do you plan to stay in that country?

︎ Anonymous
︎︎︎We don’t have any plans to move to another country since my husband is working in Korea. If there’s any change in his work, or if the circumstances change as my children grow up, such as educational needs, we might move to another country.

︎ Eunjoo
︎︎︎ We probably won't leave the Netherlands unless there are significant changes to our future plans. In particular, the educational benefits from the Dutch system are very different from what I have experienced (of course, everything has pros and cons). So considering what it means for our children, it makes me less willing to move somewhere else.


4. Name one thing you love & one thing you hate about the country you live in currently.

︎ Anonymous
︎︎︎ There are many programs for multicultural families in Korea, including Korean language classes, hobby classes such as cooking classes, and various events. These programs are very helpful for me to live in Korea as a foreigner. I hate nothing in particular, but it sometimes bothers me when people don't keep the time so well. Of course, not everyone is like that, but I have often seen cases where people don't keep their appointments.

︎ Eunjoo
︎︎︎ I think it's great that the society here respects each person's choices. And how it naturally teaches the heavy responsibility for the consequences of your own decisions. How people refrain from judging others by personal and social standards and accept each person's differences by saying, "that's also possible" and "everyone may make different choices." That’s something I also want to make my own. The hardest part, which most Koreans would agree to, is the inflexibility and unbearably slow speed with everything. Please don’t say that it’s only me. :)


5. What’s the best thing about international marriage? When is the most challenging moment of international marriage?

︎ Anonymous
︎︎︎ There are many good things about international marriage, but I would like to point out that children can naturally learn the languages and cultures of both countries as they live in both countries. However, since my husband and I grew up in different cultures, the difference in mindset might be an unavoidable part of international marriage. Even though they are geographically close, Korea and Japan have different cultures and customs. Sometimes it is difficult for us to understand each other's thoughts due to cultural differences. Also, because our mother tongues are different, I sometimes feel a language barrier between us, which is also a difficult part of international marriage.

︎ Eunjoo
︎︎︎ Same as all other relationships that exist, I think we just have to accept the fact that we’re different. That’s where communication should start in all kinds of relationships, and it’s even more so between husband and wife, two people who live in two very different worlds. I must say acknowledging the difference is a very tough process. However, it may be more difficult to find a common thing in an international marriage, from appearances, lifestyles, languages and habits. When there’s a conflict, it might be easier to start communication between an international couple since there’s an underlying condition that it’s natural to be different. But that’s also why it’s never fully fulfilled. In communication, it’s also important to share the experience, but since we’re so different, we don’t share the exact same experience. Something that you can understand without explaining the emotions that are embodied through your history. There’s always a small gap that can never be narrowed down. For example, being able to watch a comedy show or series together or being immersed in the lyrics of a song without having to explain anything.


6. Do you have any in-law stress?

︎ Anonymous
︎︎︎ Since there are cultural differences, I can't say that there is no stress from the in-laws. Sometimes it’s a bit difficult, but not a lot. For example, it was a little difficult at first because I was obliged to call my parents-in-law frequently. This is not often the case now, but my parents-in-law often came to visit us without notice in the past. But now I've gotten used to it, and we've come to understand each other a little better, so it's not as difficult as it used to be. 

︎ Eunjoo
︎︎︎I am grateful to have met my lovely in-laws. It's more challenging to keep up the nerves to follow conversations with family members. So that's not particularly the in-law stress that we often speak of. I think it's more the stress from the language barrier between us.


7. How much does your spouse acknowledge that you are, in fact, a foreigner and understand you being far from your home country?

︎ Anonymous
︎︎︎ I think my husband understands very well that, even if I live in Korea now, I am still a foreigner. So we visit Japan once or twice a year, and I can stay there for more than a month each time.

︎ Eunjoo
︎︎︎ He also understands it and comforts me a lot. He's also very passionate about talking with my Korean family through KakaoTalk, sending timely holiday greetings, etc. As my children are going to school, there are times when it is difficult to communicate with other parents. Then my husband explains things from a very objective perspective and often offers solutions. However, I don't think he’s doing so just because I am a foreigner or because I am living in a foreign country. It's more from genuine understanding, care, and love.


8. When you raise your child, which culture do you follow: your or your spouse’s? What’s your upbringing and parenting like?

︎ Anonymous
︎︎︎ Our children are learning Korean and Japanese together while attending a Korean school in Korea. We are trying our best to make them understand and learn about the cultures and customs of both Korea and Japan from an equal point of view without being biased towards any one country. Also, when we visit Japan once or twice a year for more than a month, they attend Japanese schools so that they can continuously experience Japanese culture.

︎ Eunjoo
︎︎︎I think we also take both. I believe that education that imposes only one culture is neither reasonable nor possible. Also, wouldn't it be more accurate to say that culture is obtained naturally than by teaching? In that sense, the relationship between my husband and me will naturally influence my children as well. As they are more exposed to Dutch culture (especially the language) as they go to a Dutch school, I think it’s unavoidable that they become more familiar with the Dutch culture as long as we live here. Maybe it’s more convenient for our children too. However, I believe that they will naturally get used to Korean culture as well since they are exposed to the Korean language, customs and food, at home. In my opinion, the best education is to be with them.


9. When you have a heated discussion with your spouse, which language do you speak? Have you felt any difficulties from speaking different languages?

︎ Anonymous
︎︎︎ My husband can speak Japanese, so we talk in Japanese at home most of the time. My Korean isn’t good enough to communicate complicated things, so we speak mainly in Japanese when we have a serious discussion.

︎ Eunjoo
︎︎︎ In our conversation, we mix all three languages - Dutch, English and Korean. In the beginning, I thought the language was an obstacle between us. But as we spent more time together and got better at each other’s language, I realised that speaking a language fluently won’t solve all the problems. Even in simple language, if you can be honest and put sincerity into understanding each other’s feelings, you’ll be able to solve anything. Sometimes, you just need to take time. We know each other so well now that we don’t really need the tool called language.